Transforming Problems
by Venerable Thubten Chodron
This is a lightly edited transcript
of a talk given in Singapore, Sep 95.
When talking about "Transforming Problems", I think you might prefer
I talk more about rejecting problems, rather than transforming them. Our usual
attitude is to reject problems, isn't it?
"I don't want problems! You can have them! It's not fair that I have problems.
I shouldn't have problems. My life should be happy. The universe is unfair if
I have problems. Something's wrong if I have problems. Everything should be
perfect."
This is our usual attitude. Our usual attitude is one of rejecting problems,
isn't it? "Problems should go away because the universe should treat me
better."
Why? "Because I'm me! I'm important! I should be happy! The universe should
treat me very well! Nobody should mistreat me. If I mistreat other people, it's
because they deserved it. But nobody should mistreat me. Nobody should insult
me. If I insult other people, it's because they were really creeps and made
a mistake. Nobody should do that to me." My happiness is really important
- much more important than anybody else's happiness. The universe should know
that. Everybody should appreciate me - don't you think? Don't you think I'm
the most important one in the universe?
Isn't this how we think? We're much too polite to admit it in public, but you
know what I mean. This is really how we live our lives. So, our whole life we
reject problems.
Something is wrong. When we have a problem, it's never our fault, is it? Have
you ever started a fight? I mean, when there's a fight, it's always the other
person's fault. Very clearly.
When there's a quarrel, it's never my fault; it's always the other person's
fault. It's all these other people who are uncooperative, and obnoxious, domineering,
bossy, and critical. Not me. "I was going through life minding my own business,
completely kind-hearted, loving, compassionate to everybody. Then, all these
mean people do all these awful things to me. It's unfair. It's terrible."
Right?
I have a friend who teaches conflict management; dispute resolution. He often
gives people a worksheet, to record a recent conflict they had, and to assess
how they handled the conflict, and how the other person handled the conflict.
He said, "It's remarkable! All the people who were cooperative, kind, and
harmonious, they all come to the conflict resolution workshop. But all the people
who were disagreeable and quarrelsome - they never come."
According to the form - it's amazing, he said, all the people who come to him
were those trying to solve the problems; who never start them. It's just remarkable.
This is kind of how we live our life, isn't it? Problems are never my doing,
they're somebody else's doing. And you know - "That's because other people
are idiots. They just don't know how to treat me properly."
Then we come to a Buddhist thing, and we hear, "Well, when you have problems;
when you have suffering, it's due to your karma." And we go - "My
karma?! I'm not doing anything wrong. Look at that guy! He's creating negative
karma being mean to me. I didn't do anything wrong. This is unfair. I'm going
to complain to the Chief of Karma, because I didn't create any negative karma.
I mean, I'm just nice to everybody all the time." Right?
Me? "I never tell anybody off. I'm never judgmental. I'm never critical.
I'm never hostile. I never lie to anybody. I never cheat anybody." Why
is the world doing this to me?
And in my past lives, I'm sure I never did any of that. Never! "My past
life, I was a Rinpoche. I was high. They just don't recognize who I am this
lifetime. But I was very special in my previous life. Maybe not a Rinpoche,
but I was very high, you know? I never created any bad karma. What are you talking
about, 'it's my bad karma' when I have problems. Baloney!"
This is what we think, isn't it? We accept the Dharma when it's convenient for
us. When we hear suffering comes from negative karma, we accept that so the
person who's harming us gets it in their next lifetime! Then we believe in karma.
But when we have a problem - to think it's because of what we did in our previous
lifetime? Never! Never! And, certainly not this lifetime.
We're all right, aren't we? We're always right. When there's a conflict, we're
always right. So there's no need to talk about 'Transforming Problems', because
we're right. There's nothing to transform. "I'm right! You're wrong! You
change!" Very easy. That's how we should solve problems.
We kind of go through our whole life with that attitude, don't we? When there's
a problem: "I'm right, you're wrong. You should do something different.
Me? I shouldn't. I'm just the innocent victim."
This attitude really compounds problems because every time we face some difficulty,
first we reject the difficulty, and secondly, we blame it on the other person.
Both of these typical behaviors and attitudes really increase problems. Because,
when we reject a problem, then we're fighting the reality. The reality is -
there's a problem. There's suffering. I have a problem. Something's not going
right.
So, I think a lot of our mental suffering comes because we don't accept there
is a problem, and we think the universe is being unfair and should be different.
Our non-acceptance of the problem gives us more trouble than the problem itself.
We get all tangled up in our thoughts about how it's unfair, it shouldn't happen,
and blah, blah, blah, blah. Our non-acceptance makes it worse.
Blaming the problem on the other person increases the problem, too. Because,
we can never control the other person, can we? The problem is the other person's
fault - that means, I have no power. I have nothing to do, because I'm not involved
in it at all. If the problem is entirely the other person's fault, then the
only way to solve the problem is for the other person to change. But we can't
make them change. And we try. We try very hard, don't we? It is very hard to
make others change. We give them lots of advice. Especially our family members.
So much advice - "You should do this, and you should do that; why don't
you do this, and why don't you do that?" We give everybody advice, and
they don't appreciate us. They tell us to mind our own business. We're just
giving them advice about how they should improve and be happy
and they
say, "Get off my case, I don't want to hear your advice!" And we reply,
"Oh, but I was just trying to help you."
So this thing when we're always blaming the other person? When we have that
attitude we very much give up our power and ability to do anything. We can't
control the other person. We can't make them change.
We might be right. There might be a conflict, and we might be very right, and
the other person might be wrong. But so what? Sometimes being right doesn't
solve the conflict at all, does it? We can be very, very right and even the
court system can agree that we're right and the other guy is wrong. But there's
still conflict, and there's still unhappiness. Being right doesn't solve the
conflict.
And rubbing it in to the other person, that we are right, doesn't solve the
conflict either. And it doesn't make the other person change. Frequently, when
we're right, we really rub it into the other person, don't we? Then, they feel
hurt. They feel misunderstood. They feel rejected. And they become even more
entrenched in their position than before. They're certainly not going to go
out of their way to help us when we're rubbing it in that we're right and they're
wrong.
So, often we have to give up this idea that just because we're right, everything
should change, and the other person should do something differently. We might
explain to them how their behavior is harmful and they should do things differently,
and they have been doing it this way fifty or sixty years - fifty or sixty lifetimes,
you know? They are not going to change right away. Sometimes we need to develop
a little patience. Being right is not sufficient.
But it's hard, isn't it? When we can see very clearly what somebody's mistake
is, and we know exactly how they should improve, and they don't do it, and we
still have to live with them? We still have to live with them, don't we? We
can't throw them in a garbage can. We try. But they're too big. They don't fit.
This is something hard about life. Especially when it happens in Buddhist centers,
or at work, or in families - when there's conflict and we might be right, and
we must accept that the other person is not going to change? Sometimes they
don't know how to change. They don't know how to do something differently. They
have this pattern, and that's the way it is. The only way for us to be happy
is to accept them for what they are. What they are may not be what we want them
to be. But surely, what we are isn't what they want us to be either. So we're
kind of even, aren't we?
It's an interesting thing to play with - to think about conflicts in our own
life; problems in our own life - to see how we always want the other person
to change, because, "it's their fault." Then, to think, "Is it
really realistic? Is that person going to change? Do they know how to change?"
If they're not going to change, then what can we do - spend the next ten years
or the rest of our lives hating them? Quarrelling with them? Making everyone
else in the family, or the Buddhist center, or on the job, miserable, because
we're always arguing, because, "They don't change!"?
Whereas, if there is a way to accept the fact they aren't going to be who I
want them to be
kind of an interesting thought, isn't it? Accepting people
for what they are? Accepting they may not be what we want them to be?
It's hard, isn't it? Because, we feel, they really should be what we want them
to be. They should! "How am I going to be happy if they aren't what I want
them to be?" So, we go back and forth in this way. We truly have to work
quite deeply with our mind, very hard with our mind, developing a kind of acceptance
of people for what they are.
We also need to work very hard with looking at our own role in conflicts, acknowledging
our own parts. This can often require accepting what we did in this lifetime
to get involved in the conflict, and also considering what we did in previous
lives may be involved.
When there is a conflict, there is more than one side, more than one person.
How can we say it is always the other person's fault? If I was not there, there
would not be a conflict. So, how did I get here? What am I doing? What did I
do that bugged the other person so that they're acting like this? Maybe I did
nothing. Maybe it's all coming from their side - in which case, then, it's due
to my previous life's karma.
But, sometimes, looking in this lifetime we can see we haven't been the most
considerate person to other people. They get angry and upset with something
we've done, and we feel, well, "Why me? What did I do? I didn't do anything."
Yet, if we look a bit closer, maybe we did.
Sometimes we did something without meaning to, and we were just careless, completely
unaware. It's not that we're bad people. We're not careful, so we do something
disturbing to somebody, and they get angry.
And at other times we do things and we kind of know it's going to bother the
other person, don't we? It's the small things
we kind of do it, and try
to slip by as if it were just an accident? But we know it's going to bug the
other person. And we do this with the people we live with, the people we know
very well. Because we know what bugs them, don't we? They know what bugs us;
we know what bugs them.
Say, my husband's not paying enough attention to me
so I just do this
little thing. It's very innocent. But he gets mad, and I go, "What did
I do? You're always so irritable! Why are you behaving like this? You don't
love me?"
But if we look closely, we know what we're doing. We know how to push their
buttons. And, so sometimes, part of our mind deliberately pushes other people's
buttons. Because then they pay attention to us. Finally my husband stops reading
the newspaper and looks at me!
Thus, often it's worthwhile to think in a situation, "Did I do something
carelessly, or maybe with my own rather manipulative mind wanting to irritate
the other person?" In this case I should own up to it, and acknowledge
my role in the conflict. Then, seeing how our own energy, in this lifetime,
was involved in the conflict, that gives us some ability to actually transform
the problem. We see what we could do differently. "If I were more careful,
if I didn't deliberately push that person's button, then some of these conflicts
wouldn't happen."
Now, especially in families, there are repeated conflicts. Have you ever noticed
we fight about the same things all the time in the family? It's like, "Okay,
we're going to have Fight Number Five. Put in that video!" Now, we have
the five standard fights - we lack creativity. We can't think of something new
to fight about. It's the same old thing
25 years, we're fighting over
the same stuff. And it's the same with our parents and our kids, isn't it? Same
old spats, again and again, and again. It's real boring, isn't it? Boring. We
know precisely what's going to happen - we're going to say this; they're going
to say that - you could almost write a script for it. It's true, isn't it? We
could write a script: "Okay
you're lying
"
It would be good to trade roles, then... "Okay, Fight Number Five. You
play me and I'll play you, and then, let's go do it!" Because, the fight
is so old hat. We've done it again and again. "So, let's switch roles this
time, okay? You be the one who wants to spend the money, and I'll be the one
who wants to save the money. Let's do it differently this time!"
This is why it's so interesting - seeing what our role is in this lifetime,
how we get involved; then also, recognizing the karmic effects from our previous
lifetime. There are many times we don't deliberately antagonize someone, we
really are minding our own business, and someone gets all bent out of shape
over something we do, and they really rip into us. And, it's like, "Wooo...what's
happening here?"
Often, if we look closely, the other person is acting out of their own pain
and unhappiness, and confusion. It doesn't really have so much to do with us.
But we take it personally anyway, don't we? Often, what the other person is
doing when really dumping on us - when they're critical, speaking harshly, they're
making a stronger statement about themselves than about us. They're actually
saying, "I'm unhappy," or, "I'm confused," or, "I'm
miserable." But, we don't hear that message. We only hear, "Get off
my toes! What are you doing to me?!"
Then, it's often effective to step back and think, "Why is this person
doing this? What are they really trying to say? What's motivating them?"
And that approach helps us to develop some compassion towards them.
Considering our previous life's karma is involved can be very helpful, too.
Especially when somebody criticizes us and we feel, "I really didn't do
anything." It's helpful to think, "Well, maybe in previous lives,
I criticized somebody."
Look at us! We've all hurt others' feelings. We've all criticized others. We've
lied. We've stolen. Ten non-virtuous acts? We've all done them! We know everything
about each other. We've all done this - in previous lives especially, we've
had lots of time for training in non-virtue. No, not so much training for virtue
in previous lives
otherwise, we wouldn't be here. You know? Very good
practice in non-virtue. So, of course, this lifetime we have some problems.
It's no big surprise. Is it? It's really no big surprise.
I find this way of thinking very, very helpful for situations when I feel I
had no intention of starting a conflict, and yet here's this whole horrible
thing happening. If I think, obviously, in previous lives I did something, and
here it is, and it's ripening, then I accept it.
I accept it. It's ripening. I got myself into this situation. Now, my job is
to ensure I don't create more negative karma. Because clearly the problem now
is due to a previous life's karma. So, at least let's not create more negative
karma, and we can avoid perpetuating the same thing again.
But, what often happens, how do we react when we have a problem? We get angry,
don't we? Or, we get very attached. We have a problem, so we cling to something
because we feel insecure. Or, we want to strike back at whatever is causing
our problem. Yet, when we react to problems with clinging, or anger, what we
do is create karmic imprints for problems in future lives. And we continue the
cycle.
Personally, I find it helpful to think, "Okay. This is a result of my previous
life karma. No sense getting attached. No sense getting angry. Here it is. It's
happening, folks. I just have to live through it. I must do as best I can to
make the best of this situation."
It's often quite helpful when recognizing the problem as due to karma, to transform
that problem, saying, "Okay. This is the challenge." Instead of rejecting
the problem, say, "This situation is a challenge for me to grow."
Our problems are challenges for us to grow, aren't they? They really are. Often,
if we look back over our life, we see the times when we've grown the most are
those times we've had lots of problems. Can you look back at times when you've
had problems, really painful times in your life, and look at yourself now, seeing
how you are as a result of having had that experience?
And sure, it was painful. It was awful. But it's over now. It doesn't exist
anymore. We lived through it. And, we actually grew in some ways. Because, in
particular, when things are really a challenge, when everything seems to be
falling apart around us, then, that's an excellent opportunity to find our own
inner resources, and the support of our community, or within our Dharma friends
in the broader society.
So, when we have problems, there really is a lot of opportunity for growth.
If we take that opportunity. If we avoid retreating into our old patterns, like
getting angry, or feeling sorry for ourselves.
We fall so easily into our old patterns of self-pity, or lashing out and dumping
on the other person. But when we do, we never grow. We completely ignore the
whole opportunity for growth that this problem is presenting. We just do the
same old thing again and again. And the curious thing is, the same old thing
never makes us happy, does it? We have these old behaviors for handling problems,
and they never work. Say there's a conflict, and I'm so mad; and what's my typical
behavior? "I'm so mad at you that I'm not going to talk to you! Chao!"
I shut down, completely. I will not talk to you. I walk out of the room when
you come in. I look away. I go to my room feeling sorry for myself, and angry
at you.
And we think this is going to make us happy. So we keep doing it. And, we feel
miserable.
So, I believe it's very important for us to identify our old habits, our old
patterns, do some serious reflection, while asking, "Do these old patterns
and habits make me happy? Do they actually resolve the conflict?"
Or, do we get unhappier because of the way we're handling the conflict? I say,
"I'm so mad, so I won't talk to you!" Then, I complain how we're not
communicating. Isn't that it? They respond, "Well how can I communicate
when you won't talk to me?" And we bark, "Well, you should find a
way, because it's all your fault, anyway!"
Consequently, it's extremely helpful to try a new way of looking at a situation,
and to try a new kind of behavior.
My friend who teaches conflict management says, sometimes when you feel really
stuck in a problem, do exactly what you don't want to do. He says, sometimes
you need to break that pattern, break that cycle. Do the exact opposite of what
you feel like doing. So, if you're so angry you don't want to talk to the other
person, then maybe the challenge is to go and talk to them. Or, if we're so
mad that we want to talk and never want to listen, then perhaps the thing to
do is be quiet and listen.
Often, it's quite helpful to realize, "Hey, here's my old pattern, this
is how I usually handle it. I've tried that before, and it doesn't work. How
could I think differently? How could I behave differently?" Then we can
develop some creativity with the situation. Play with it. "Well, what would
happen if I did this? What would result if I looked at it this way?" So,
instead of the situation seeming so solid, so concrete, so terrible, we develop
some creativity to handle it in a new way.
Now, someone might say, "But some situations are so awful, how can we see
them in a new way?" Or, "Someone in my family is dying, and you talk
about an opportunity to see problems in a new way? What do you mean? There's
only one possible way for me to behave, and that is to go crazy! I have to go
crazy with grief because this person I love is dying
there is no alternative!"
This is how we think at times. We get all wrapped up in our grief, totally bogged
down and tied up. But, when we think there is but one way to handle it, we miss
out on everything the situation has to offer. If it's true someone we love is
dying, it may be we can do nothing to prevent it. That is the reality. But,
they have not died yet. And maybe during the time we still have, we can really
communicate. Maybe we can say a lot of the things we have failed to say to each
other before. Perhaps we can share something very deep and meaningful. As long
as there is life, there is still a lot of potential and richness in how you
can relate, and what you can share with another.
Thus, it is significant to stop and question ourselves, to see the potential
in situations, and get away from locking ourselves into the belief that there
is but one way to feel, one way to act. There is always a choice. The thing
is, you know, do we take this choice?
Think about how to apply these approaches to problems in your own life. Because
if you do this, then the Dharma will become really tasty, very meaningful. But
if you simply listen to the Dharma and think of it abstractly
"Oh,
she's talking about problems 'out there'; other people's problems," then,
you never taste it. We must look at the Dharma in terms of our own life; bringing
it to bear on our own actions.
There are situations where we have a problem, and, perhaps, we blame ourselves.
We are very good at that, too, aren't we? We can really get into that one
"It's
all my fault. Something is wrong with me. I'm terrible. I'm this awful person!
Look at me! Oh, nobody can love me. I'm horrible. I did it again!"
It's called the "Beat-myself-up" syndrome. And we do it very, very
well. Very well. But this is that same faulty way of thinking, that when there's
a problem it comes only from one cause. It's like blaming the other person,
but in this case the 'other person' is yourself. It's the same narrow way of
thinking. Except, it's fascinating, in that it's really a way of making ourselves
extremely important. "The whole thing collapsed because of me. I'm such
an idiot; I'm so incompetent, I make the entire project a disaster." Or,
"The whole family is in turmoil, all because of me."
We're very important, then, aren't we? Extremely important. So it's very curious
how, when we get into this performance of blaming ourselves, and feeling guilty,
and self-hatred. It's actually a rather contorted way our self-cherishing mind
has of making us extremely important.
It's so strange. I find we often fail to do things that are our responsibility,
thinking they are someone else's responsibility. And things that are not our
responsibility, we accept responsibility for, and blame ourselves. It's very,
very interesting. Very curious. And, I think, parents do this a lot.
When your child has a problem, you think, "It's my fault. I should protect
my child from every single problem in this universe. " Parents love their
children. Their children are helpless. So, it's, "I should protect my child
from every problem." The kid is 25 years old, and he stubs his toe - "It's
my fault!" Or, my boy's 35 and fighting with his colleague - "It's
my fault." We blame ourselves for all sorts of things that are not our
fault at all. They're someone else's responsibility.
This is quite thought-provoking. I think we need to go back and do a lot of
meditation on this, reflecting on what it means to be responsible, and what
things are our responsibility, and what are not? And, when things are my responsibility,
am I the only person playing a role in this, or does it have something to do
with another person? This concept of blaming ourselves is very lop-sided. We
are not the only one making this whole world go wrong. There are other factors
in the situation.
Now sometimes, it's true, people have had a negative experience in the past,
and we do something similar to what occurred to them before. So they get really,
really defensive. We can't understand why. So it's often wise just to cool down,
and recognize you need not take this so personally. This person isn't really
attacking you. They are attacking the past experience. That isn't your responsibility.
You are only responsible for what you said, or did, to trigger the problem.
If their reaction is way out of proportion, if they are unhappy and something
else is going on with them, then maybe you need to ask some questions. Give
them a chance to express themselves. Help them discover what's really at the
root of the situation, and what is really bugging them.
I have had that happen to me. Once I did something, not intending to start a
conflict, and this other person was so angry they told me off for, like, 45
minutes over the phone. I mean, I'm glad they were paying for it. No
it's
a local call. Maybe that's why it lasted so long? If it was long distance, maybe
they wouldn't have talked that long?
Anyway, they totally dumped on me. It was incredible, and over this small thing.
But, seeing this person's reaction was well out of proportion to what was going
on, I just kind of sat there, listening. I didn't need to take it personally.
Something was going on with this person and they really needed to unload. And
now, when I see this person, everything is fine. There was no residual hangover
from that conflict.
Perhaps we might see somebody doing something negative, say, catching fish,
or something like that. How can we convince them? Well, frequently we aren't
in a position to convince them. Sometimes it's better to say nothing. As long
as sentient beings have a garbage mind, they are going to kill. I mean, when
you get angry, is it the lama's fault he can't control your mind?
When you get angry, if someone comes along and says, "Jangchub, don't get
angry," do you say, "Oh yes, I'll listen to you. You're right."?
No. You say, "No, I'm angry for a reason! You be quiet!" Look at us.
Other people offer us advice. We don't listen, do we? Not very carefully.
But sometimes when somebody's doing something negative, we can want to intervene
out of compassion. And sometimes we want to intervene out of a sense of being
self-righteous. These are two very different motivations. We really must distinguish
between the two. It's very easy, when we're self-righteous, to think we're being
compassionate. But we aren't compassionate, we're all puffed up with ourselves.
Then it's, "I know good ethics. I know good karma. You're doing it wrong!
You should listen to me because I'm morally superior. I know more about Dharma.
You should listen to me and follow my example!"
We don't actually say it like that, because we would look bad. But that is what
we're thinking. We're being very proud and self-righteous. We're not helping
anyone. We're just acting out of our own garbage mind.
That's very different than seeing somebody doing something negative, and having
true compassion for them, as well as for whoever they're harming - two completely
different motivations, even though the action may seem the same.
We must look beyond the action and at the motivation.
In the place I live in the States, there is a lake nearby. I sometimes walk
around, and I'll see people fishing. When I see them pull up a fish, it's very
painful for me. I want to go to that person and say, "Please, put the fish
back and don't do this." But, I know that's not a skilful way to handle
the situation. They're not going to listen. They're more likely to get angry
and probably think negatively of me and about Buddhism. And they're still going
to kill the fish.
I'm not the right person in that situation to help them, and it's not a situation
where I can really help.
I can do nothing directly, so in my heart I make prayers. When I see the fishermen
out there, I pray they don't catch any fish. I do! I don't tell them I'm praying
this. And, when they do catch a fish, I do the taking and giving meditation.
I really pray, "Can this person in some future time meet the Dharma and
begin to see the error in what they are doing, and correct it."
But, you see, it's significant, when we see people doing negative things, occasionally
we are the right person and it's the right situation, and we can intervene.
And sometimes we should not.
It's also important to remember to check our own behavior; look at our own mind,
checking our motivation, ensuring we are acting out of a true heart of kindness.
Now let's consider someone who's blaming themselves for having done something
wrong. Again, what we can do depends on the situation and our relationship with
that person. Sometimes the best we can do is to listen to them. Let them talk.
Help them by asking questions. Help them realize all the responsibility does
not fall on their shoulders.
Sometimes that's not the best way to handle it. Sometimes if the person feels
very bad for having done something, then it's helpful to encourage them to do
some purification practice. Then, either teach them some purification practice
or introduce them to a teacher who can. So, it depends much on the situation.
Question & Answer Session
Q: Can the masters take away the bad karma of their disciples?
If they could, they would have already. Isn't it true? The Buddha is so compassionate,
if the Buddha could have taken away all of our bad karma, the Buddha would have
done it already. Our teachers are very compassionate. If they could take away
our bad karma, they would have done it.
The way our teachers intercede and help us is by teaching us the Dharma. They
can't take away our bad karma, like washing the dirt off our hands. They can't
do that. But they can teach us how to wash the dirt off our own hands. Our teachers
help us to take away our negative karma by teaching us the Dharma. Then, by
practicing the Dharma, we are able to purify our own mind. No one else can purify
our mind for us. We must do that for ourselves. Nobody can generate realizations
on the path for us. We have to do that for ourselves. But our teachers can help
us, and that is why we need teachers.
Q: How do we apply the notion of emptiness to transforming problems?
It is very interesting, this potential of applying emptiness to a problem. There
are many ways to do this.
Often when we think, "I have a problem," we think, "Oh, everything
is so heavy! The whole notion of my problem is heavy. My problem is very concrete.
It's very real. It's so real I can almost touch it. I mean, "This is my
problem! It's there!"
It's very helpful at that point, to ask ourselves, "What is this problem?
Where is this problem?" Because our idea is, "I have this problem,"
as if it's this real thing, almost physical. So where is it? Is the problem
inside me? Is the problem inside you? Is it in the space between us? Is the
problem the sound waves that are going back and forth between us? Is the problem
my ideas? Your ideas? Where are my ideas? Where are your ideas? Where is the
problem, really?
It's very interesting when we start analyzing and ask, "What really is
a problem; where is this problem?" All of a sudden this problem that seemed
so real, so concrete, somehow disintegrates a little. We can't find it. It doesn't
seem so concrete anymore, because we can't find where it is. So, that is one
way of applying the idea of emptiness to transforming problems.
And when we have a problem, we also have a strong sense of "I", don't
we? "I hurt. I have a problem." When we have a problem, the "I",
the sense of self is extremely strong. "This is my problem!"
The self is very real. Anything happening to the self is much more important
than what happens to others. So there's a very strong sense of a self that is
suffering at this point. Then, it's a very interesting experiment, too, to hold
onto that strong sense of self that is being treated so unjustly, and that is
suffering, and with another part of the mind, ask ourselves, "Who's suffering?
Who's the one who has the problem?"
The self with the problem seemed really solid. So if there were really a solid
self with a problem, we should be able to find that person. "Who is it?
Who has the problem? Who is in pain? Is it my body? Is it my mind? Which thought?
Which part of my body? Which part of my mind?" And again, this seemingly
very solid self with a problem, can't be found. The idea of this tangible self
starts to evaporate. This is another way to apply the meditation on emptiness.
Q: When we have a problem, it has been said we can pray to our Guru and receive
some blessings. Where do these blessings come from?
So
I have a problem, and I pray, "Lama, help me!", then my lama
comes with a magic wand, waves it, and "Boing!" Then it's, "Ah
bliss!"
Is that what happens?
When I pray, "Lama, help me!", and I don't get bliss afterwards, does
that mean something's wrong with my lama? He's off duty?
No. When they say "receiving the blessing" or "receiving the
inspiration", what this means is that our mind is transformed. It's not
some real, solid, concrete thing coming from the lama and going "boing"
and we got it, okay? What is very often happening, I think, is very different,
and it depends on how we pray to the Buddha, or to our lamas.
We might pray, "Buddha, please make this problem go away." And, that
is not the right way to pray. We should pray, "Buddha, please help me to
find my inner strength and resources to deal with this problem, and transform
it into the path to enlightenment."
Now, when we transform a problem, it ceases to be a problem. And we transform
it by changing our attitude. So depending on how we pray, and depending on our
attitude when our mind is transformed, that is called receiving the blessings.
Sometimes maybe, some energy from the lama is happening at that time. But often,
because we've previously heard teachings, when we pray, "Please help me
find my internal strengths and resources
," this opens our mind to
recalling what our lama has taught. And when we remember, we begin applying
them, and our mind gets transformed. But sometimes, unless we pray properly,
we don't remember the teachings, so we don't use them.
You might need to observe your own mind, and what occurs when you pray, and
as a result of it - and how that helps your mind. Think about what receiving
the blessing means from your own experience.
But receiving the blessing is not something the lama does - it's not like, "Oh
here, have a blessing." Because sometimes our minds are very fertile and
are easily transformed. And sometimes our minds are like a rock. At times we
could sit in front of Shakyamuni Buddha himself, and if our mind is like a rock,
nothing is going in. We're going to be cynical, bitter, and sarcastic, even
sitting in front of Shakyamuni Buddha.
That isn't the Buddha's fault. Our not receiving the inspiration isn't the Buddha's
problem. It's because our mind is so obscured by negative karma, there is no
space. So we need to do some purification. Purification is very important.