Taking Stock of Oneself
By Bhikkhu Bodhi
Though in principle the Buddhist path leads straight and unerringly from bondage
to freedom, when we apply it to ourselves it often seems to take a tortuous
route as imposed by the twists and turns of our own contorted mental topography.
Unless we have exceptionally mature wholesome roots, we cannot expect to approach
the goal "as the crow flies," soaring unhindered through the quick
and blissful skyways of the jhanas and higher insights. Instead we must be prepared
to tread the path at ground level, moving slowly, steadily and cautiously through
the winding mountain roads of our own minds. We begin at the inevitable point
of departure -- with the unique constellation of personal qualities, habits
and potentials that we bring with us into the practice. Our ingrained defilements
and obstinate delusions, as well as our hidden reserves of goodness, inner strength
and wisdom -- these are at once the material out of which the practice is forged,
the terrain to be passed through, and the vehicle that takes us to our destination.
Confidence in the Buddhist path is a prerequisite for persisting on this journey.
Yet it often happens that though we may be fully convinced of the liberating
efficacy of the Dhamma, we stumble along perplexed as to how we can apply the
Dhamma fruitfully to ourselves. One major step towards reaping the benefits
of Dhamma practice consists in making an honest assessment of one's own character.
If we are to utilize effectively the methods the Buddha has taught for overcoming
the mind's defilements, we first must take stock of those particular defilements
that are prevalent in our individual makeup. It will not suffice for us to sit
back and console ourselves with the thought that the path leads infallibly to
the end of greed, hate and delusion. For the path to be effective in our own
practice, we have to become familiar with our own persistent greed, hates and
delusions as they crop up in the round of daily life. Without this honest confrontation
with ourselves, all our other pursuits of Dhamma may be to no avail and can
actually lead us astray. Though we may gain extensive knowledge of the Buddhist
scriptures, clarify our view and sharpen our powers of thought, invest so many
hours on the meditation cushion and walkway, if we do not attend to the blemishes
in our characters, these other achievements, far from extricating the defilements,
may instead only go to reinforce them.
Yet, though honest self-assessment is one of the most vital steps in Dhamma
practice, it is also one of the most difficult. What makes it so difficult is
the radically new perspective that must be adopted to undertake an investigation
of oneself and the dense barriers that must be penetrated to arrive at truthful
self-understanding. In attempting to assess ourselves we are no longer observing
an external entity, which we can treat as an adventitious object to be evaluated
in terms of our subjective purposes. We are observing instead the seat of observation
itself, that most elusive center from which we gaze out upon the world, and
we are doing so in a mode, which casts all its motives and projects in a critical
light. To enter this domain of inquiry is to run smack up against our very sense
of personal identity, and thus to have to pierce the thick screens of delusion
and blind emotivity which keep that sense of identity intact.
Normally, in subservience to our need to confirm to ourselves our uniqueness
and irreplaceable importance, we proceed to construct mental pictures -- indeed,
a picture gallery -- of what we imagine ourselves to be. The self-image that
emerges from these pictures becomes simultaneously a mainstay, which we cling
to in order to maintain our self-esteem and a standpoint from which we orient
ourselves towards others and launch our projects in the world. To secure its
tenuous status the mind employs a variety of tactics "behind the back"
of our conscious awareness. It throws up blinders, which keep out disturbing
information, it flatters us with fantasized projections, it drives us to manipulate
people and situations in ways that will seem to validate our tacit assumptions
about our virtues and identity.
All these projects born of the quest to substantiate our sense of identity only
increase our suffering. The more we lock ourselves into the images we form of
ourselves, the more we alienate ourselves from others and close off our access
to liberating truth. Thence release from suffering requires that we gradually
discard our delusive self-images through rigorous examination of our minds.
The venerable Shariputra, in the Discourse on No Blemishes (MN 5), stresses
the role of honest self-assessment as a prerequisite of spiritual growth. He
points out that just as a dirty bronze bowl, deposited in a dusty place and
utterly neglected, only becomes dirtier and dustier, so if we fail to recognize
the blemishes of our minds we will not make any effort to eliminate them, but
will continue to harbor greed, hate and delusion and will die with a corrupted
mind. And just as a dirty bronze bowl which is cleaned and polished will in
time become bright and radiant, so if we recognize the blemishes of our minds
we will arouse our energy to purify them, and having purged ourselves of blemishes
we will die with an undefiled mind. The task of self-knowledge is always a difficult
one, but it is only by knowing our minds that we will be able to shape them,
and it is only by shaping our minds that we can liberate them.