The Illusion of the Ego
in us blocks our connection with the spiritual depths? If heaven is real, why
am I not in contact with it? All religions and paths address this central question,
under a variety of names, the most common today in the West being "ego."
The term ego, in this context, alludes to our deeply ingrained self-referential,
self-seeking disposition. Ego cuts us off from other people, from Nature, from
God, from our true self, from our true responsibility, and from fulfillment of
our destiny. Our ego is the great usurper. It focuses on our local independence,
falsely presuming it to be a global independence. The ego convinces us that we
are truly separate beings with ultimately separate will, having no inherent connection
with other people or with God.
Religions and paths portray the nature of our
egoism and how to deal with it in one of two quite distinct modes. Usually, and
to our misfortune, the ways reify and solidify ego into a something, an enemy,
which must be overcome, which must die, which inherently resides in our tainted
nature, which must be purified. True enough. One cannot argue with the accumulated
wisdom of great religions. For our modern culture, though, the notion that our
ego must die seems frightening. More importantly, the notion that we harbor inherent
spiritual taints gets interpreted by our self-bashing, insecure psychology to
mean that we are bad ¾ something that we in the West have been trained
to believe since childhood. We believe we are not good enough. So we don the knowledge
of being corrupt to our core as a mantle of supposed wisdom, and flock to those
that teach it. Then the religious teaching about egoism simply gets co-opted by
the self-denigrating side of our ego, eagerly adopted and accepted as yet another
weakness. We hang our heads and beat our breasts and feel the better for it. Unfortunately,
all this only strengthens our egoism and leads us into an endless cycle, akin
to a dog chasing its tail.
Casting our ego as the enemy in a holy war, an inner
jihad, and winning that battle is an exceedingly difficult proposition, primarily
because the ego proves to be a most subtle adversary. In fact, the ego will even
join the battle against itself. It will take it on and say "this is wonderful,
I'm going to battle against ego, I will become free, I will be wonderful, I will
be better than I am now, and I will be better than other people, because I will
be a highly evolved spiritual being." The ego joins our forces. As an enemy,
it infiltrates our lines, wearing our own uniform, its soldiers and officers indistinguishable
from ours. How does one fight a battle against such a devious and resourceful
enemy? For most of us, it comes to nothing but an increased layer of suffering
as we merely fight ourselves in the name of spirituality and sink more deeply
than ever into the morass of self-centeredness. Only the rarest of souls find
a way through this conundrum.
An alternative, but also traditional view casts
ego in an entirely different perspective, not as an enemy, but as an illusion,
and invites us to see our ego for what it is: an empty, ephemeral sham, a hall
of mirrors, a self-referential web. The rise of Buddhism in the West is, in no
small part, due to this kinder yet no less incisive and perhaps more tractable
formulation of the problem of egoism.
Our belief in our ego, or separate self,
is in part learned from society. All the people around us labor under a self-centered
perspective on life, which naturally devolves to impressionable children. Repeatedly
shining the light of awareness directly on this sense of separateness gradually
disperses it. If we look carefully for our ego, for this separate self that we
think we are, we shall not find it.
Am I my body? I can control my body, I
can be aware of my body, and my awareness is greater than my body. So I am probably
not my body.
Am I my feelings? I can be aware of my feelings and have some
rudimentary influence on them, so I am probably not my feelings.
Am I my thoughts?
My thoughts claim the title of I, thinking "I think," "I am hungry."
But that "I" is just a thought, having no more substance than any other
thought. It fools me though, this thought "I." I believe in it. I believe
it refers to something real and substantial, to the real me. But if I look at
it clearly, I see it as only a thought with no real referent. At best, I may have
a vague idea that I am some combination of my thoughts, feelings, and body. Again
it proves empty to the perspicacious observer.
How about my awareness? Am I
my awareness? Two problems here. First, I have some control over what I am aware
of. So there must be something deeper. Second, the deeper I go into awareness,
the less it is centered in me, so how can that be me as a separate entity, as
How about my attention? How about that in me that decides, my will?
This is the subtlest of all. Yet again, the deeper I look into my will, the less
it is centered in me, and the more it opens beyond me.
So wherever we look,
we do not find this self, this separate person that takes our name, this self-important
actor on the stage of our life. The more carefully and persistently we look, the
more this once-compelling ego, this self disappears. Or perhaps we see that it
never existed to begin with. Gradually, our belief in our ego assumes a porous
quality, which rather than cutting us off from others, merely clouds our relationships
intermittently. This separate self never was. Our devotion to it shrivels and
we are left to truly be ourselves, to play our unique role in the larger story
of our common life. When moments come in which we fall back into that trance of
selfness, we feel uncomfortable, like in a shoe that no longer fits, and we let
Our ego, this illusory pattern, however, endures with remarkable resilience
and persistence. Complete freedom from ego comes only at a very high station of
spiritual development, something to which we may aspire and work for with diligence.
The best approach lies somewhere between the two outlined above. Seeing and letting
go can only work insofar as we are able to see. The depth and subtlety of our
seeing must increase. For this, efforts of various kinds are necessary. These
efforts may include grappling with some of the propensities of our separate self.
Doing so can illumine the tentacles of egoism, while creating energy for seeing
more. Only we must not have the idea that such struggles will, by themselves,
reform our recalcitrant self-centeredness. A project of reform by force is doomed
to fail. Efforts at reform can only be useful to the extent that they help us
to see. Sensing the energy body and working at presence also help us see. And
seeing, it is said, leads to liberation: liberation from the illusion of the ego
and into the freedom of interconnectedness.